The weakness in me is deffo stronger, Joan.

Mood been better.
Wearing my pjs. Can't be arsed today.
Eating/Drinking Fruit Salads by Bassets. Mmmmmm.
Hearing Jeff Buckly - Lilac Wine
Dreamt about cannae remember, but it was interesting. The other night I had a really cool dream, and then the bloody cat started yelling and woke me up and I forgot.
Currently reading nowt atm. :(
Present MSN name Are you so strong is the weakness in me?

Talking to Ellie. She's about the only person I can stand, atm.

Last text from Bone.

Word of the Day No

I was just talking to my folks about dates that people are going away in the summer holidays, so I can find an opening for us to go to Kent this year. Unfortunately, I had no such luck, and I found out I have been lied to.

I was told that Puddy had said that she was too old to invite anyone down for the extra week these days. So, Lisa and Danielle can’t go anymore, which I found I was quite happy about, because I was so hurt that I’ve never been invited down once, despite Lisa and Danielle have been down at least twice, possibly three times. So, I will never be allowed to go, but fine. Whatever. Because at least it’s vaguely fair – none of us can go.

But then I found out there is a possible invite for Danielle to go down this year. Not me. Not me who hasn’t been once. But Danielle.

Apparently the reason why I haven’t been invited is because people have no idea how to entertain me when I’m there. Personally, I think that is a very lame, weak excuse. If they bothered to get to know me, spend some time with me, it’d be easy. Also, I’d be quite content to do the same as what was done in those past years with Lisa and/or Danielle.

Also, apparently Puddy said that she didn’t have a computer at her house, so there’d be nothing else that I’d be interested in doing, which I found highly insulting.

Let me get this straight, I’m not a bloody computer addict. I don’t miss is when I’m away from it. I spend a lot of time with it, because I enjoy watching movies and listening to music and stuff, I can’t talk to my friends too… but the main point why I’m with the computer for so long is because I can stay shut up in a room where there is something to do, away from the family, so there are less arguments (which seem to follow me in this house as everybody hates me – that isn’t self pity, that is evidently just the truth.)

I like having time to think, and using the pc doesn’t involve much brain power, so I can slip into my own imagination and think, which is possibly why the things I write here are a lot better than when I write elsewhere.

But, like I say, I can escape away from my family when I’m in here, people don’t bother me too much and that suits me fine, because when I spend time with them, sparks fly. I don’t know whether it’s all them just trying to provoke me into losing my temper that makes it happen, or the fact that I just find time with them is such a pain, that it makes me do it. Or, more likely, a mixture of both. I’m sick of having accusations pointed at me, whether I’ve done the thing in question or not – more often now, I haven’t actually done that thing, yet I still have the accusation thrown at me. And when I try to deny it, people think that I’m just lying. I can’t win.

I like to go out a lot too, for the same reasons I stay in this horrible sauna of a study. I like to see my friends, yet the only ones I can rely on to get me out of the house are Bo and Clem. I do get offers from other people too, but either they get me at bad times, or there is only so much I can take of their company.

No offence to Clem, but I prefer to go to Ellie’s (the only times I’ve been to Clem’s are for revision sessions, but still…) and the reason for that is because going to her houses are little safe havens for me. I believe her family just accepts me for who I am, Ellie certainly does, anyway, and that feels like such a weight has been lifted that I actually genuinely feel happy, which is something I’m not when I’m here.

Another thing, if I have to give one more ‘they-upset-me-but-it’s-not-all-their-fault-it’s-a-bit-of-mine-too’ thing, then I might cry.

Cos it’s not my fault that I hate my life so much. I’m so frickin’ sick of dodging people so I can dodge arguments. I’m so sick of being treated as less of a person than my sisters. I’m so sick of having to wish my life away just so I can do things… you have no idea how much I want to go to uni, just so I can live the life I want to live, as opposed to the life I’m pretty much forced to live while I’m here. My daily routine – wake up, go on pc, go to school, come back from school, go on pc until bed, then go to bed.

I’d love to go windsurfing (or kitesurfing, but I admit that is a hell of a lot more expensive than windsurfing, and also a bit more dangerous, so perhaps that’s fair enough?) but I can’t, as it means I would have a life, and, according to my mother, I’m ‘too young to have a life’ and also she won’t spend any more money on me, as bass lessons and fencing is pushing it already, apparently and also she thinks it’s too dangerous, more importantly, and I will certainly die.

She’s an idiot.

On the other hand, to try and put this on some sort of positive note, I’m going to see Dylan Moran next week and the Chilis in about two weeks, so perhaps my life isn’t completely down the shitter just yet.