5x13, Return of the Geeklove. (Squeeee!)
Mood was Amazing! Not so much now.
Wearing navy blue Abercrombie & Fitch beaver top, blue pilot jacket, Levi Strauss jeans, new navy blue Puma head-sweat-band-thingy and also green trainer socks.
Eating/Drinking cherry methol chewing gum & Heineken
Hearing The Scene
Dreamt about my nose being pierced. It thoroughly freaked me out, and I have decide that I will never get my nose pierced. Uggh... Why do I keep dreaming about these worrying things? (The other night I dreamt that all my teeth fell out [again]. I wonder if I need therapy... *ponders*)
Present MSN name It's funny; the things that you remember and the things that you don't... (ND!!! (L))
Talking to Catdog
Last text from Becky
Well, this is the third time I've had to do this. What is wrong with this blogger? Maybe I should write on Word first and then copy to my blog?
And yes, I do realise that it's been a while since I last posted...
Well, basically what my last post said was: Wow, just... wow... I have just seen CSI- 5x13 - Nesting Dolls. And I knew were were headed for a heavy GSR episode, but that was just amazing.
Well, to look at this (almost) objectively, I’ll recap the personnel side to the episode.
Sara has a problem with a possible domestic abuse case and gets quite het up about it. Until she finally loses her rag, which is fair enough, because I would too. Domestic abuse and rape, as well as paedophilia are three things that I cannot deal with.
So, Sara gets suspended after being insubordinate to Ecklie and out of order to Catherine. She says some things which lose her some respect to people in the show, but one’s thing’s certain. I. Love. KickAss!Sara.
Unfortunately, the KickAss!Sara from Sex, Lies and Larvae wasn't there, the Nesting Dolls KickAss!Sara was a little weak. Even though she was mouthy; it just wasn't the same.
However, Nesting Dolls and Sex, Lies and Larvae are two of my favourite episodes (as well as: Caged, Bully For You, Too Tough to Die, Scuba Doobie Doo, Butterflied, Bloodlines, Primum Non Nocere, Burden of Proof, Pledging Mr. Johnson, Friends & Lovers, Homebodies, Crash & Burn and finally, Play with Fire).
We get to see Geeky!Grissom at the start of Nesting Dolls, which was cute, but mainly I love this episode because of this:
Sara gets a week’s suspension from work off Ecklie, she is at her apartment and Grissom comes by.
That, in itself is huge for him. He is so out of touch with her, I think most viewers were wondering when he’d actually come back from the journey up his arse, and back to reality.
She asks him if he wants to ask her if she’s drunk, to which he replies that they both know that the drinking is not her problem. I am so glad that TPTB have decide to clear that one up, I was worried from the CTV promo that they were going to bring back Sara’s drinking problem from Season 4, back again. They didn’t. Good. (But SNAP! Sara was drinking Heineken, hey, so am I!)
Anyway, they have a few exchanges and Grissom tells Sara that Ecklie wants him [Grissom] to fire Sara (which isn’t fair. What about Nick, Warrick and most certainly Catherine, I reckon they’ve done worse) and she says that she isn’t surprised, but I think she’s a little miffed at it.
They have a sharper exchange and then Grissom asks her what her problem is. At first Sara won’t tell him, and then there’s a blackout. After the blackout we see that Sara’s admitted defeat and decided to tell him.
Now, from her revelation from this episode and from past episode, I think that we all know what basically happened.
Laura Sidle (Sara’s mom) stabbed and killed Sara’s dad after finally seeing the light after some sort of long-term spousal rape or domestic abuse. The court date for Sara’s mom was in 1984 when Sara was (according to the CSI main page on the CBS website) 13 years old. However, this age thing could be a little out because TPTB are kinda stupid when it comes to the ageing of children (ie: Lindsey Willows and Paul Millander).
Either way, Sara was pre-13 probably, when the murder happened and that, was some horror for her. She had thought that the fights were normal practice for all/most families and it was only when her mom murdered her dad that she realised that it wasn’t so normal.
What does bug me though, is that her story sounds a lot like what happened in Blood Drops (aka: If These Walls Could Talk), ie: with Brenda holding Sara's hand (parallel on the woman who took Sara away and young Sara), the 'blood cast off on the walls' in the bedroom, same as in Blood Drops. Sara's apparent (but not yet canon) resentment of her mother, never doing anything about the abuse, and when her mother finally reacted, it was too much...
The young cop 'puking his guts out' - wasn't there one in Blood Drops?
The violence that probably never left the house, and then finally the incestuous rape - Sara has problems with rape in general, why didn't she show any feeling for either of the sexually abused girls in the episode when they both had been raped by the father?
That episode actually brought tears to my eyes. CSI can do that to me. Nesting Dolls did, with it's latest revelation on Sara's backstory (mainly due to WP and JF doing it do well.
But, as a story; the Nesting Dolls plotline did nothing for me. It was only the personnel element of the episode (of all the characters: Grissom, Sara, Ecklie, Catherine, Greg & Brass - not Warrick or Nick, because TPTB seem intent on keeping them quite 2D) that actually made me feel anything.
Grissom looks decidedly uncomfortable throughout her revelation, but he also looks quite sympathetic and I take that as good sign. A-Hoy there, the S.S. Geeklove sails again!
She asks him in a panic if there is such thing as a murder gene. He tells he that there isn’t, to his belief. JF looks genuinely scared. I am so proud of her.
Sara begins to cry and Grissom takes her hand to comfort her. She grasps it tightly.
I was a little disappointed with the handhold. There’s just something that just doesn’t ring right to me.
I reckon it’s just that the Bloodlines one was better. Even though Sara wanted nothing to do with him, I just love that scene; he sits next to her at the police station and puts his hand in hers (in Bloodlines, after her DUI). She, still not looking at him (and he looks gently at her), looks down, ashamed. ‘Let me take you home,’ he says.
And it brings a tear to me eye. Grissom is finally seeing what he’s doing to her.
There is symbolism though, in Butterflied, Grissom says, ‘…the only time we touch other people is when we’re wearing our latex gloves,’ he reveals to Lurie, and now he’s touching her without his gloves (the second time, rather than the first he is touching her as a friend; though the first time could be taken as the same thing.).
That’s lovely.
But also, during The Scene, Sara tells him that one of her problems is that she ‘chooses men who are emotionally unavailable.’ I wish I could have seen Grissom’s face when she said this. But when we next see him, he doesn’t look at all affected. I guess it’s because he knows that she has feelings for him, already. I mean, in Invisible Evidence, she says, ‘…rather that anything that happened, or didn’t happen between us, won’t be a factor.’ And in Snakes she says, ‘You’ve always been a little more than a boss to me, why do you think I moved to Vegas? … I know our relationship has been complicated … let’s just say that, sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places…’
Well, GSR has been acknowledged. It is finally canon. Not fanon. Good.
When Sara cried in The Scene, it, IMO, was perfect. JF has finally fulfilled The. Perfect. Cry. Most crying scenes I have seen seem out of place or forced. JF has done the perfect job of it.
And about the matter of Grissom’s handhold being kinda pathetic; well, it was; but a hug would have been inappropriate and OOC from Grissom. Either way, the symbolism is there, and, not just the matter of the latex gloves not being there, but also the fact that she said that she couldn’t let go of her social worker/the woman who took her away’s hand. And now she is reliving the tragedy f that day, in her mind, and now she is holding Grissom’s hand. And we hope, that she’ll never let go (figuratively).
I keep being asked at school why I feel so deeply about the Geeklove/GSR in CSI, or why I like it. And I couldn’t answer, so I smile and turn away.
But now I’ve found my answer in a post in a thread called, ‘Why do we like the Geeklove so much?’ on the yourtaxdollarsatwork.org forum. Here it is:
>>
Well, this is a perfect thread for us!
I think there is a difference between the rational explanations (that, for example, someone who watched the show but didn't post messages about it or seek out other shippers might say)...
Of course we all subscribe to this first level of explanation (or we wouldn’t be G/S shippers): they are made for each other, they are soul mates, they have great chemistry, they connect and are extremely similar, they have a history (the plant, the chalk, etc...)
But I think that at the level of, umm, the obsession that many of us experience there must be a deeper reason for "liking" geeklove.
At a deeper level, I suppose that this must have to do with the following psychological reasons:
EMOTION:...
- A strong desire for this particular romantic scenario (older man, much younger woman)...
- A need for a Shakespearean, all-encompassing sort of love...
- A thirst and attraction to the Grissom archetype ...
- as well as a strong identification with Sara Sidle.
EXPERIENCE: ...
- A profound connection to one (or both) of the characters (i.e. a real-life Sara).
- A projection to one of the character's (hinted at) back stories (i.e, assault).
- (And perhaps the most relevant explanation) … Having a person in our (past or present) lives that represents this relationship.
For me, geeklove was first an intellectual interest (I told myself, “Wow, this storyline is so sexy and entertaining”)…
But once I realized that not everyone else saw the show in the same way that I did, I came to realize two major things:
(1) I was pining over my own Grissom.
(2) I was steeping in my own emotional issues (thus projecting myself onto Sara).
Also, I came to a message board community … essentially for catharsis. You see, UtB is a way of controlling what I can only describe as a helpless feeling… And G/S is my way of vicariously having the Grissom that I lost (or, more, correctly, never had).
<<> of those things that OhBrynnie poses in that post.
I have a problem with domestic abuse and rape (like Sara), I like things to be logical, proven and uncomplicated (like Grissom), I realise that I hid myself away for a long time, and it’s only because of problems with my peers that I’ve had to get over this in order to help them – and that’s like both Grissom and Sara.
Those are my connections; strong in my mind, but weak in writing. I honestly feel more than just that, but I can't even work it out in my own mind; let alone write it down...
But the main thing is: I am pining for my own passionate love. I am pining for my own Grissom. The Grissom that I want so much and I don’t have, and never actually had in the first place.
And it’s true for me to say that I generally like older men. Clark, Billy, Neil, Milo, [Sam] and now James.
But my ‘older man’ sitch comes with the same negative points that Sara’s does; they are all out of reach. Most of them are just crushes… maybe all of them are. But I want that profound connection with someone; feelings that are so strong that you feel like you can’t even deal with your life in an existence without him; a love so passionate and powerful that it hurts. I want to feel that.
James. Gosh, I’ve only met him twice, but already it feels like he’s the one I’ve been waiting for: like he’s the one I could feel connected to and really, really care about.
But at the minute, it’s just a crush, not even a really strong one at that. I’ve had stronger feelings for other people.
But, at first glance, he’s the one. He (on a completely superficial level) is gorgeous. He’s sweet. He’s talented. He’s the right height. He’s smart. He has aspirations. He’s mature. He’s… he’s… he’s out of reach; that’s what.
It doesn’t bother me too much that I’ll get stick about it from the guys at fencing, it doesn’t bother me that I’ll get stick from adults (parents/teachers) or kids (siblings/friends), what bothers me is that he’s too old for me right now. A ten year age gap is a big deal when one person is 15 and the other is 25. If I were a few years older, there would be no problem, it’s just that – although I would love it if we were to get together I’d have to question his motives as to why he were to go out with someone a lot younger than him.
It worked for Lucy and Pie, but everything works for her. But, like she said, a nine year age gap doesn't seem so much - but a ten year age gap? Well, that's a lot. I know that she only said that to annoy me, and it worked - because what she said hurt a little (because whoever I ever like, will never actually become my boyfriend, implying that I am a hopeless case, as regards to my 'love life'.
Thing is though; she's right. And she knows it.
And that also brings into question, my motives as to why I want this.
I figure that maybe, in my subconscious, I wanted to fit in with my friends and have had a boyfriend. And, although there is no real pressure for me to do such a thing, I do feel like I don’t fit.
But, to counter that, if I were to get a boyfriend, I would feel like I was divulging something quite personal to me out to my friends if I were to talk about my boyfriend and I.
My romantic feelings are something that I find very difficult to talk to my friends about. Especially since at one point I was just insecure about my sexuality (because I thought it was unnatural to have not have a boyfriend, nor had/have real feelings for them either, [which made me think I was destined to be a lesbian, nun or a social outcast.] and then having to have fake crushes on guys to tell my mates about; just so I could cover for myself).
Anyway, I figure now that I'm not ashamed that I don't have a boyfriend, it's just that I figure that I do want someone there for me; a secure part of my life, a good friend who I have a connection with... someone who I can rely on to always be there for me (I know this isn't that realistic, because you can't rely on anyone like that). But, all the same, I feel like there's so much changing around me, that maybe I need to just throw caution to the wind, and go along with those changes, instead of fighting them. Even if it means I have to change myself.
Anyway, I figure that passion is the most powerful of all the human drives. (I’ll take Wuthering Heights over Jane Eyre any day). And not only do I find passion interesting, I want to experience it for myself. I don’t want to read it, or see it… I want to feel it.
Romance is fine, it’s sweet; it’s about knowing the person you’re in love with; inside and out. However, passion… passion is what happens when you are in love with someone and you let your feelings free. Romance just seems ‘restrained’ to me. And passion is as much about hate and jealousy, fury and sorrow as it is love. Because love comes as a package, romance is just one thing – and anyone can be romantic. Being truly passionate in an almost ‘animalistic’ sense, well… that doesn’t happen to everybody.
Gosh, I don’t know how to explain this whole passion thing, but it’s something I feel quite strongly (some would say, ‘passionately’ ;)).
And now, as I come to my third A4 page’s worth of writing, I suppose I must draw to a close.
I would just like to include the Passion speech from David Boreanaz that he said in some episode of Angel that I haven’t seen (nor really have any desire to see):
>>
Passion. It lies in all of us.
Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open it's jaws, and howl.
It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.
Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
<<
ITA.
Roger, over and out.
Wearing navy blue Abercrombie & Fitch beaver top, blue pilot jacket, Levi Strauss jeans, new navy blue Puma head-sweat-band-thingy and also green trainer socks.
Eating/Drinking cherry methol chewing gum & Heineken
Hearing The Scene
Dreamt about my nose being pierced. It thoroughly freaked me out, and I have decide that I will never get my nose pierced. Uggh... Why do I keep dreaming about these worrying things? (The other night I dreamt that all my teeth fell out [again]. I wonder if I need therapy... *ponders*)
Present MSN name It's funny; the things that you remember and the things that you don't... (ND!!! (L))
Talking to Catdog
Last text from Becky
Well, this is the third time I've had to do this. What is wrong with this blogger? Maybe I should write on Word first and then copy to my blog?
And yes, I do realise that it's been a while since I last posted...
Well, basically what my last post said was: Wow, just... wow... I have just seen CSI- 5x13 - Nesting Dolls. And I knew were were headed for a heavy GSR episode, but that was just amazing.
Well, to look at this (almost) objectively, I’ll recap the personnel side to the episode.
Sara has a problem with a possible domestic abuse case and gets quite het up about it. Until she finally loses her rag, which is fair enough, because I would too. Domestic abuse and rape, as well as paedophilia are three things that I cannot deal with.
So, Sara gets suspended after being insubordinate to Ecklie and out of order to Catherine. She says some things which lose her some respect to people in the show, but one’s thing’s certain. I. Love. KickAss!Sara.
Unfortunately, the KickAss!Sara from Sex, Lies and Larvae wasn't there, the Nesting Dolls KickAss!Sara was a little weak. Even though she was mouthy; it just wasn't the same.
However, Nesting Dolls and Sex, Lies and Larvae are two of my favourite episodes (as well as: Caged, Bully For You, Too Tough to Die, Scuba Doobie Doo, Butterflied, Bloodlines, Primum Non Nocere, Burden of Proof, Pledging Mr. Johnson, Friends & Lovers, Homebodies, Crash & Burn and finally, Play with Fire).
We get to see Geeky!Grissom at the start of Nesting Dolls, which was cute, but mainly I love this episode because of this:
Sara gets a week’s suspension from work off Ecklie, she is at her apartment and Grissom comes by.
That, in itself is huge for him. He is so out of touch with her, I think most viewers were wondering when he’d actually come back from the journey up his arse, and back to reality.
She asks him if he wants to ask her if she’s drunk, to which he replies that they both know that the drinking is not her problem. I am so glad that TPTB have decide to clear that one up, I was worried from the CTV promo that they were going to bring back Sara’s drinking problem from Season 4, back again. They didn’t. Good. (But SNAP! Sara was drinking Heineken, hey, so am I!)
Anyway, they have a few exchanges and Grissom tells Sara that Ecklie wants him [Grissom] to fire Sara (which isn’t fair. What about Nick, Warrick and most certainly Catherine, I reckon they’ve done worse) and she says that she isn’t surprised, but I think she’s a little miffed at it.
They have a sharper exchange and then Grissom asks her what her problem is. At first Sara won’t tell him, and then there’s a blackout. After the blackout we see that Sara’s admitted defeat and decided to tell him.
Now, from her revelation from this episode and from past episode, I think that we all know what basically happened.
Laura Sidle (Sara’s mom) stabbed and killed Sara’s dad after finally seeing the light after some sort of long-term spousal rape or domestic abuse. The court date for Sara’s mom was in 1984 when Sara was (according to the CSI main page on the CBS website) 13 years old. However, this age thing could be a little out because TPTB are kinda stupid when it comes to the ageing of children (ie: Lindsey Willows and Paul Millander).
Either way, Sara was pre-13 probably, when the murder happened and that, was some horror for her. She had thought that the fights were normal practice for all/most families and it was only when her mom murdered her dad that she realised that it wasn’t so normal.
What does bug me though, is that her story sounds a lot like what happened in Blood Drops (aka: If These Walls Could Talk), ie: with Brenda holding Sara's hand (parallel on the woman who took Sara away and young Sara), the 'blood cast off on the walls' in the bedroom, same as in Blood Drops. Sara's apparent (but not yet canon) resentment of her mother, never doing anything about the abuse, and when her mother finally reacted, it was too much...
The young cop 'puking his guts out' - wasn't there one in Blood Drops?
The violence that probably never left the house, and then finally the incestuous rape - Sara has problems with rape in general, why didn't she show any feeling for either of the sexually abused girls in the episode when they both had been raped by the father?
That episode actually brought tears to my eyes. CSI can do that to me. Nesting Dolls did, with it's latest revelation on Sara's backstory (mainly due to WP and JF doing it do well.
But, as a story; the Nesting Dolls plotline did nothing for me. It was only the personnel element of the episode (of all the characters: Grissom, Sara, Ecklie, Catherine, Greg & Brass - not Warrick or Nick, because TPTB seem intent on keeping them quite 2D) that actually made me feel anything.
Grissom looks decidedly uncomfortable throughout her revelation, but he also looks quite sympathetic and I take that as good sign. A-Hoy there, the S.S. Geeklove sails again!
She asks him in a panic if there is such thing as a murder gene. He tells he that there isn’t, to his belief. JF looks genuinely scared. I am so proud of her.
Sara begins to cry and Grissom takes her hand to comfort her. She grasps it tightly.
I was a little disappointed with the handhold. There’s just something that just doesn’t ring right to me.
I reckon it’s just that the Bloodlines one was better. Even though Sara wanted nothing to do with him, I just love that scene; he sits next to her at the police station and puts his hand in hers (in Bloodlines, after her DUI). She, still not looking at him (and he looks gently at her), looks down, ashamed. ‘Let me take you home,’ he says.
And it brings a tear to me eye. Grissom is finally seeing what he’s doing to her.
There is symbolism though, in Butterflied, Grissom says, ‘…the only time we touch other people is when we’re wearing our latex gloves,’ he reveals to Lurie, and now he’s touching her without his gloves (the second time, rather than the first he is touching her as a friend; though the first time could be taken as the same thing.).
That’s lovely.
But also, during The Scene, Sara tells him that one of her problems is that she ‘chooses men who are emotionally unavailable.’ I wish I could have seen Grissom’s face when she said this. But when we next see him, he doesn’t look at all affected. I guess it’s because he knows that she has feelings for him, already. I mean, in Invisible Evidence, she says, ‘…rather that anything that happened, or didn’t happen between us, won’t be a factor.’ And in Snakes she says, ‘You’ve always been a little more than a boss to me, why do you think I moved to Vegas? … I know our relationship has been complicated … let’s just say that, sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places…’
Well, GSR has been acknowledged. It is finally canon. Not fanon. Good.
When Sara cried in The Scene, it, IMO, was perfect. JF has finally fulfilled The. Perfect. Cry. Most crying scenes I have seen seem out of place or forced. JF has done the perfect job of it.
And about the matter of Grissom’s handhold being kinda pathetic; well, it was; but a hug would have been inappropriate and OOC from Grissom. Either way, the symbolism is there, and, not just the matter of the latex gloves not being there, but also the fact that she said that she couldn’t let go of her social worker/the woman who took her away’s hand. And now she is reliving the tragedy f that day, in her mind, and now she is holding Grissom’s hand. And we hope, that she’ll never let go (figuratively).
I keep being asked at school why I feel so deeply about the Geeklove/GSR in CSI, or why I like it. And I couldn’t answer, so I smile and turn away.
But now I’ve found my answer in a post in a thread called, ‘Why do we like the Geeklove so much?’ on the yourtaxdollarsatwork.org forum. Here it is:
>>
Well, this is a perfect thread for us!
I think there is a difference between the rational explanations (that, for example, someone who watched the show but didn't post messages about it or seek out other shippers might say)...
Of course we all subscribe to this first level of explanation (or we wouldn’t be G/S shippers): they are made for each other, they are soul mates, they have great chemistry, they connect and are extremely similar, they have a history (the plant, the chalk, etc...)
But I think that at the level of, umm, the obsession that many of us experience there must be a deeper reason for "liking" geeklove.
At a deeper level, I suppose that this must have to do with the following psychological reasons:
EMOTION:...
- A strong desire for this particular romantic scenario (older man, much younger woman)...
- A need for a Shakespearean, all-encompassing sort of love...
- A thirst and attraction to the Grissom archetype ...
- as well as a strong identification with Sara Sidle.
EXPERIENCE: ...
- A profound connection to one (or both) of the characters (i.e. a real-life Sara).
- A projection to one of the character's (hinted at) back stories (i.e, assault).
- (And perhaps the most relevant explanation) … Having a person in our (past or present) lives that represents this relationship.
For me, geeklove was first an intellectual interest (I told myself, “Wow, this storyline is so sexy and entertaining”)…
But once I realized that not everyone else saw the show in the same way that I did, I came to realize two major things:
(1) I was pining over my own Grissom.
(2) I was steeping in my own emotional issues (thus projecting myself onto Sara).
Also, I came to a message board community … essentially for catharsis. You see, UtB is a way of controlling what I can only describe as a helpless feeling… And G/S is my way of vicariously having the Grissom that I lost (or, more, correctly, never had).
<<> of those things that OhBrynnie poses in that post.
I have a problem with domestic abuse and rape (like Sara), I like things to be logical, proven and uncomplicated (like Grissom), I realise that I hid myself away for a long time, and it’s only because of problems with my peers that I’ve had to get over this in order to help them – and that’s like both Grissom and Sara.
Those are my connections; strong in my mind, but weak in writing. I honestly feel more than just that, but I can't even work it out in my own mind; let alone write it down...
But the main thing is: I am pining for my own passionate love. I am pining for my own Grissom. The Grissom that I want so much and I don’t have, and never actually had in the first place.
And it’s true for me to say that I generally like older men. Clark, Billy, Neil, Milo, [Sam] and now James.
But my ‘older man’ sitch comes with the same negative points that Sara’s does; they are all out of reach. Most of them are just crushes… maybe all of them are. But I want that profound connection with someone; feelings that are so strong that you feel like you can’t even deal with your life in an existence without him; a love so passionate and powerful that it hurts. I want to feel that.
James. Gosh, I’ve only met him twice, but already it feels like he’s the one I’ve been waiting for: like he’s the one I could feel connected to and really, really care about.
But at the minute, it’s just a crush, not even a really strong one at that. I’ve had stronger feelings for other people.
But, at first glance, he’s the one. He (on a completely superficial level) is gorgeous. He’s sweet. He’s talented. He’s the right height. He’s smart. He has aspirations. He’s mature. He’s… he’s… he’s out of reach; that’s what.
It doesn’t bother me too much that I’ll get stick about it from the guys at fencing, it doesn’t bother me that I’ll get stick from adults (parents/teachers) or kids (siblings/friends), what bothers me is that he’s too old for me right now. A ten year age gap is a big deal when one person is 15 and the other is 25. If I were a few years older, there would be no problem, it’s just that – although I would love it if we were to get together I’d have to question his motives as to why he were to go out with someone a lot younger than him.
It worked for Lucy and Pie, but everything works for her. But, like she said, a nine year age gap doesn't seem so much - but a ten year age gap? Well, that's a lot. I know that she only said that to annoy me, and it worked - because what she said hurt a little (because whoever I ever like, will never actually become my boyfriend, implying that I am a hopeless case, as regards to my 'love life'.
Thing is though; she's right. And she knows it.
And that also brings into question, my motives as to why I want this.
I figure that maybe, in my subconscious, I wanted to fit in with my friends and have had a boyfriend. And, although there is no real pressure for me to do such a thing, I do feel like I don’t fit.
But, to counter that, if I were to get a boyfriend, I would feel like I was divulging something quite personal to me out to my friends if I were to talk about my boyfriend and I.
My romantic feelings are something that I find very difficult to talk to my friends about. Especially since at one point I was just insecure about my sexuality (because I thought it was unnatural to have not have a boyfriend, nor had/have real feelings for them either, [which made me think I was destined to be a lesbian, nun or a social outcast.] and then having to have fake crushes on guys to tell my mates about; just so I could cover for myself).
Anyway, I figure now that I'm not ashamed that I don't have a boyfriend, it's just that I figure that I do want someone there for me; a secure part of my life, a good friend who I have a connection with... someone who I can rely on to always be there for me (I know this isn't that realistic, because you can't rely on anyone like that). But, all the same, I feel like there's so much changing around me, that maybe I need to just throw caution to the wind, and go along with those changes, instead of fighting them. Even if it means I have to change myself.
Anyway, I figure that passion is the most powerful of all the human drives. (I’ll take Wuthering Heights over Jane Eyre any day). And not only do I find passion interesting, I want to experience it for myself. I don’t want to read it, or see it… I want to feel it.
Romance is fine, it’s sweet; it’s about knowing the person you’re in love with; inside and out. However, passion… passion is what happens when you are in love with someone and you let your feelings free. Romance just seems ‘restrained’ to me. And passion is as much about hate and jealousy, fury and sorrow as it is love. Because love comes as a package, romance is just one thing – and anyone can be romantic. Being truly passionate in an almost ‘animalistic’ sense, well… that doesn’t happen to everybody.
Gosh, I don’t know how to explain this whole passion thing, but it’s something I feel quite strongly (some would say, ‘passionately’ ;)).
And now, as I come to my third A4 page’s worth of writing, I suppose I must draw to a close.
I would just like to include the Passion speech from David Boreanaz that he said in some episode of Angel that I haven’t seen (nor really have any desire to see):
>>
Passion. It lies in all of us.
Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open it's jaws, and howl.
It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.
Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
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ITA.
Roger, over and out.
posted by ReddPhoenix at 10:41 PM
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