I can shine even in the darkness, but I crave the light that he brings...

Mood fine, but tired.
Wearing black & white Bench tee, Levi Strauss jeans & navy blue Bagpuss socks
Eating/Drinking coca-cola
Hearing The Nightmare Before Christmas - Danny Elfman - Jack's Lament
Dreamt about Nowt
Currently reading The Beach - Alex Garland (still. Oh, I love it.)
Present MSN name I don't want to need you, 'cos I can't have you.
Talking to No one.
Last text from Bone
Word of the Day breast (tee hee hee. Why?)

I'm supposed to be working, but have chosen not to as I am tired. I'm round as Bose and Tolani's again after a meal out which turned out to be pizza from Pizza Hut. For last week's toils, that'll do me fine.
Also got given some popcorn a few mins ago but it's sweet and the smell of it makes me feel sick. I'll get rid of it in a moment. No, now actually...
And now it's gone. Had to hide it in a bag in my bag. Didn't want to be rude and dump it in the bin, especially now that the said bin is full. Dunno how to get rid of it otherwise.

Oh, I was at fencing last night. I spoke to James a bit more and found out some things about him. He lives in Mickleover and attends Chilwell Blade Fencing Club in Nottinghamshire, he works in a bank (with pcs apparently) and he's still gorgeous, however not so lovely. I don't really know how to describe him. He's a nice guy, but he comes across as rude rather than shy now. He'll answer my questions and doesn't seem to mind talking to me now (I don't know whether it bothered him before or not), but I don't believe he's ever asked me anything outright. So, either he doesn't actually give a damn about anything to do with me whatsoever, thus not asking me anything, or he's just rude and doesn't like attention being averted from him. Either way, I reckon it's time.

My dad and I found another fencing club I can go to which I'm looking forward to finding out about. Not too far, and I can get more fencing in, yay!
Replacement Jameses' habitat, perhaps? Yes, I'm desperate.

I do love my fencing, and did want to go to a couple of Nottingham clubs, but apparently it's out of the question for my dad who refuses to take me. It's not fair enough at all.

Tut. I've just been typing for ages and then everything kinda just went. I'm not sure whether I should go ahead and retype everything or if I should leave it.
Hmm, maybe I should go and retype it. Or I'll never get it done and there's some important things I'd like to say.

Right, I was given back my shoes from Jodie the day after I'd 'sold' them to her. She said that her mum had intervened and decided that £25 was too much to ask for for 'second-second hand shoes' I think that's unfair because the shoes are in good condition and Jodie likes them.
Jodie offered a second amount of £10-15 for the shoes which I refused because they are worth a hell of a lot more. I'm peeved and I don't understand why Jill needed to be involved. Jodie said it was her money and it was for her to spend, yet Jill has to go and make Jodie's decision anyway. I had a feeling it was going to ahppen, because as it turns out, Jill is pretty predictable. Not in a good way, because she seems to have a problem with everything. I don't like Jill, I've made that known, but however much I dislike her, I won't disrespect her, not knowingly.
But I don't like the way that she still tells Jodie what do do even now, how to spend her money, who to go out with; or rather, who not to go out with... and the sad thing is is that Jodie lets her. That's something that I greatly dislike about Flo, is that she won't stick up for her own beliefs.
I'm sorry to say this Flo, but spinelessness is not something I admire in a person.

Leading on... heh, that fits perfectly with what I'm about to say. Leading on to... Sal. I know what people think about him and his actions, and it's his actions which bother people.
Apparently he was flirting with le Beak last night and Jodie was told and she wasn't happy about it. Like I've said before, I'm not sympathetic. Maybe Sal shouldn't 'play around' (kinda) when he's apparently still with Flo, but seriously, Flo should be straight with him about what is actually happening. I mean, after all, Jodie has never said that they are actually 'together and exclusive' so why should Sal actually do as he is doing? If Flo refuses to be straight with him, why should he have to limit himself for her? I don't like to fall out with my gals, but I'm siding with Sal on this one. Again.

And yet more complaints about my mates... I still haven't forgiven the girlies for what they said to me about James the other day. Too old for me, fair enough. Point taken, but what other things they said were fucking out of order. He'll take advantage of me? Like fuck. He's gay? Harsh. Could be a possible rapist or something. Out. Of. Order.
I mean, they said other things, like suggesting that I 'go for someone nearer my own age' and 'go for someone who I don't have to 'force' a relationship with'. Actually, that word, 'force' hurt. And I think it was harsh of them to say, not to mention insensitive, because they all know very well that I don't just have guys fancy me and I certainly don't fancy a lot of guys, in fact, like... one atm, and that's not going to happen. I don't have guys to pick, just like that. I won't go out with a guy unless I fancy him, simple. Guys just don't find me attractive - and them saying that I have to 'force' a relationship to make it work, hurts, cos that's actually saying that no guy would want me anyway.

And who are they to tell me about all that anyway? Fine, Lucy has Alex. Less said about them the better. I hate her for getting it right first time. She gets everything right first time. Call it jealousy, call me a bad friend... but she does rub it in a little, whether she means to or not, and it does upset me.
Vamp. Fine, so her and 'Dee' may not exactly have my blessing, but I'm happy if she's happy and she seems fine at the mo',so I'll leave her be. I didn't tell her not to do what she was doing with him because he's a bad guy, however I admit that I was wary of what I heard about him and so I mentioned the rumours to her, looking out for her just as a friend, not suggesting anything really (but if it came across as me suggesting something, it wasn't intentional).
But Jodie? Jodie. What right does she have telling me about me going wrong when she doesn't even have the guts to be straight with anyone but still having to have it her own way?

Surely they must all know that it'd never happen between me and James. I can't be 'me' (whoever that is) around him, I can't relax, I am conscious of everything I say and do (see previous point) and generally, he's just not interested. I was obviously lying to myself to make me feel better, I knew that deep down, why didn't they see?

I'm beginning to think i really don't know my friends, or more to the point, they don't seem to know me all that well.

More bad news: on a lesser scale... I missed Sunrise Club today and I had to go at the end of regestration this morning to go and apologise to Mrs Whitaker again. Now, this time I actually was sorry. I told her that it just wans't working, and that I didn't want to mess her around anymore - and so to take me off the list, because my attitude was basically out of order.
That wasn't that bad, but still wasn't enjoyable.
What was the worst bit was that she told Mr Dowson who had a go at me about it in maths today and wasn't nice at all. I was actually more upset than pissed off or angry, although I was all three at points within today because of his comments. He implied that I was totally selfish and inconsiderate to the work her put in to get me there. The latter of those things he more or less said and that was a nasty thing to say seeing as it was actually my folks who put all the work and and pulled the reigns to get me into Sunrise Club, not him. He's a bastard. I fucking hate him.

Anyway, bad points over for now. Last night Cherry and some of the 'random gang' went to a drama competition at the Guild Hall and did their 'Lullaby' play, winning first place with a mark of 86/100. Shortie won best actress and I'm very pleased and proud of her. Cherry hadn't got any critisms and she seemed to be loved bu the lady-judge person. Nay however, didn't get off so lightly. The lady criticised her a lot, mainly about superficial things and apparently Nay got upset, but didn't show it. Whatever. I think Nay's a fabby actress and she plays her part well. She's believable too, which is great, cos so many actors aren't. Anyway, hands, together, clap for Cherry, Nay, Shortie, Georgie & Sally. Big whoop to you gals. :D

Talking of big whoops, English is fabby. Mrs Bartholemew and Mr Summers are probably my two favourite teachers at the moment and I think they're both fabby.
Mr Summers? Well, I don't fancy him (contrary to popular belief). But he is lovely. Gives me extra-curricular attention, and I don't even care how dirty that sounds. He lent me one of his videos today, and he very often lends me books and talks to me. I do the same for him. I think we get on well.
The one thing I don't like about meeting with him though, is that Pip, who fancies him something rotten, always has to come with me, and to Mr Summers, I think he's flattered by the attention, but I seriously think he thinks that she is stalking him, which, I'm sorry Pip, she kinda is...
And Mrs Bartholemew, no matter what her mood is, will always find the time to help me, whether it's actually realated to the topic in hand or not, and it's always nice to me, even if she does take the piss out of me basically all the time. She's v. cool.

That brings me onto a strange point that I wanted to make about what we're doing in English at the moment. As I may have mentioned before, we're doing Macbeth, which I found pretty boring at the start because I've done it so many times, but this time, something changed.
I've been studying the character of Lady Macbeth for a while, and at the start, she was just a character. But gradually I found that there was something about her character that made her so very different and interesting... unstereotypical (surprisingly) and charming in a disturbing kind of way. I don't mean to go all sloppy over a character, and a female one at that, but she's just incredible.
Whether she's the villian of the piece or the victim, she still holds my fascination. She's possibly one of the most tragic of all Shakespeare's creations, and there's something about her which I admire a great deal, but I'm just not sure what it is.
She's a great character to read of, and see, also. I watched one of the films/tv productions of the play (the one in the deserted theatre) a couple of days agao and it was the second time I'd watched it. The first time has no effect on me, and if I'm honest, I didn't like it. This time round though, I saw its charm. And it was the character of Lady Macbeth, not surprisingly who captivated me. The actress' range of acting is not all that extensive, however her sleepwalking scene in act 5, scene i is incredible and deeply moving, actually. I've thought for a few weeks that her final scene was sad, but seeing it on the video was actually quite distressing. Her final line before the scene ends is, To bed, to bed, to bed,' and the way it is said is so sad; she's someone different to who she used to be, a pillar of strength to a broken pile of rubble, a dishevelled product of a much greater form. Oh, I don't know...
I don't feel any sort of affinity with her, for her, whatever; but I do relate to her and to some extentm understand her. I feel like I know why she chose to do what she did, and the way I see her is as a victim throughout, actually. Even during her strength, she's not happy, and anyone who suffers from unhappiness is a victim of it. Thus, she is a victim through, because she can never be content.

If you want to know something personal about me, read this: I actually find I can related better to the fictional than the factual. I find that in a lot of cases, I'll care more about a fictional person than a real one and even like them more than real people. Fictional people have so many sides to them (if well written), but they'll never change, you can predict them you can understand them, even if their actions are without motive or irrational, their is still some understanding between the reader and the character. Whereas, in reality, people change, people are hard to predict or understand or rationalise because of their instability and limitless states of mind (a fictional person will only have as many states of mind that the author writes in). And, for someone like me, someone who cannot cope without rationalisation, it's a hard thing to keep up with.
Fictional people will move at your pace, they will go no slower, they will go no faster. They don't change if you aren't there for a while, they can be our ideals... I'm finding this difficult to explain.
I'm not so sad to say that all my friends are in books, but I have to say that I do prefer my fictional characters to my friends in reality, most of the time. Think what you like about that.