Saturday, May 07, 2005

Natalie-no-mates.

Mood I have been a hell of a lot better.
Wearing black & white Bench top, beige Nike trews, sunset socks (and a new Lonsdale wrist support thingy.)
Eating/Drinking mongy sour sweets. Matches my mood.
Hearing Infected Mushroom – Converting Vegetarians
Dreamt about something. Dunno. Woke up scared though.
Currently reading Scar Tissue - Anthony Kiedis (once again. Adore it.), The Beach - Alex Garland (still. Oh, I love it so.)
Present MSN name I wish they would only take me as I am.
Talking to Sammy, Bone, Matt, le Beak, Ed
Last text from Bone
Word of the Day touche

Lucy and I aren’t friends. Let’s put it that way. After the argument on Wednesday, she really came to the conclusion that she hates me and made sure that I knew it.
So I got a letter from on the next day and it was somewhat… upsetting, but not that Lucy cares about little technicalities like that. She’s gotta get her point heard, and anyone who opposes her, ie: me, can go and ?@£$%&# or whatever.

I’m not going to write down what the letter said, but I may just quote from it.

So here goes, here’s what happened from Thursday onwards. Rewind, and play…

We were having a 'debate' about who we'd vote for (politically). She said she'd vote labour if she could, and because she said that, all her sad little followers said they would too. I said I might've voted conservative or Lib Dems... they all start having a go at me but my views are different to theirs. And being a Tory is a bad thing in their eyes (bear in mind, all my family are that way inclined and don't vote labour. So I kinda got brought up on their views). Now, we weren't supposed to be totally serious, but it turned out that way, stupidly. I would actually have voted for the Lib Dems, myself. But there Tory thing stuck in their head and they all battered my because of it. We got onto the subject of immigration and stuff and I said that a lot of the immigrants in this country
Take advantage (not all, mind) of our system. Now, a problem I have with this is I don't like scroungers, and we have a lot in England, both immigrant and British alike. Lucy said that they can't help that they don't work. Granted, I agree. Some of them don't, but I was talking about the ones who actually do take advantage. But I guess she took me the wrong way and thought I was talking about all unemployed people on the dole, but I wasn't, so I can understand why she was unhappy/angry at me.
Anyway, she said that I was an 'elitist bitch' and in her letter she wrote (and then gave me the day after) she said some v. hurtful things. Most of which was uncalled for, but admittedly, I did deserve some of what I got cos I didn't explain myself v. well at all. After all, I did call these scroungers 'the scum of Britain'. But that's just my opinion. She said that all these people are not people
Who I can 'tread on' or 'scrape off' my shoes or whatever... I didn't imply that, and I’m sorry she took it that way. But then she started to even take some of our 'in' jokes and use them against me.
Now, I call everyone who doesn't read books, an 'illiterate yob' and it's a joke. Everyone knows it's a joke. But she used that in the letter and said that I was insulting her and she'd rather be 'an illiterate yob' than a 'supremely intelligent snob like {you}' me.
There was a lot more stuff in her letter, but the gist of it is that I’m a nasty person who she once thought was 'compassionate'. I don’t know, even though a lot of what she said was indeed laughable, it hurt even so. She’s always had a problem (but she's never made a deal of it until now) with us living in different areas in Derby. She lives in an ex-council house and I live in a new estate. She says I live in a 'soulless box' and that I’m rich (but I forget the point she makes when she brings this up) but no, it's just that I don't get an income and my folks don't buy me much cos we aren't as rich as I think people make us out to be cos we live in this frickin’ expensive house.
And now it all comes out...
But that may be her problem with me. I am just mad at her cos she doesn't care about other people's feelings, which are basically just mine, cos she's actually quite nice to other people and goes out with them, etc. and she called me her best mate but then took advantage of the fact that I was there and only called me or went out with me if she wanted something, and being a fool, I let her do that to me. She never had the time of day for me really. Every time I called she'd have this attitude, like I was annoying her and like she didn't want to be there (but never said as much) and so I eventually stopped calling her, or at least I tried to bring it to the bare minimum. all this... but basically, she just can't accept that I’ll go against her, maybe cos she's so used to people agreeing with her all the time. She can't accept my opinions like any respectful human being would, even if they did come out harshly. So why would I need a friend like her?
And she even had the nerve to insult my religion, saying that how can I call myself a Christian and wear a w.w.j.d. band on my wrist (what would Jesus do) and then say that about those people. If I were to follow in Jesus' footsteps I would welcome these people. But then again, Christians are total hypocrites... She didn’t say the last bit to me then, but she has in the past.
I was so mad at her. And I’m annoyed that I just took it.
and the last she said to me, on Friday, after she'd caught wind that I had spoken to a friend of mine and explained everything I thought and what happened, including calling her 'two faced' which is what she is, cos she never shows this side of herself to anyone but me. And she said that she had told me everything that she thought of me, so why was I sneaking around and spreading rumours and lies behind her back? The truth was; I wasn't.
I wanted things to cool down before I spoke to her so I didn't say anything that I’d regret to her. But I really needed to get it off my chest. I was really hurting and she didn't seem to care. So I spilled to my friend (who must've gone and told her everything. so, some 'mate' I have there, too). And I told her I would have granted her the same thing that she did with me, but I wanted it to cool down. She ignored this and so I said that she probably wouldn't have cared about my opinion anyway. And she said she would've. But the impression I’ve got about her that if she's okay, then it doesn't matter about anyone else. And she then said to me that why would she have spent all those hours on the phone? I said that all the time she wanted to go anyway.
And to cut a long story a bit shorter, she said that the friendship was over.
And I want this to be over too.
But I still feel that I need to tell her what I think and get it totally off my chest, and if she's not willing to change, then at least I know that I did all I could do and that the fault was with her, not me. But I don't want her friendship anyway... so I don't know why I need to say all this to her. But I do. And I will do eventually, just so I can be free.

So, I probably haven’t explained it very well, and not all immigrants are scum. But like I say, I have a problem with certain types of people: and those are the people that I view as ‘scum’, I don’t know how my words really came across to her the other day, but she took them the wrong way and I won’t blame her for that.
In my opinion, such ‘scum’ lives in this world today as: rapists and sexual predators, men who hit their wives (and vice versa), paedophiles (who act of their desires), those who deal ‘death’/drugs to kids and those who take selfishly take advantage of those who work hard and strive to do the best they can: immigrants who come do this country, getting paid to do so, not working and not even having the common decency in some cases to learn the language of the country they come to.
We also pay out for the education of more than you would think who just don’t care. Again, it comes from taxes that we maybe don’t pay for, but our parents do as we will one day. I agree that they should have an equal chance as we do, so I go against what I said on Wednesday – but I feel somewhat ‘used’ that we have to pay for so many who take advantage of or system. But is it something hat can’t be controlled, which is why I feel so aggravated by it.
So, the people who I called the ‘scum of England’ are the people who we have to pay taxes to the government to pay for to keep in the country that they don’t even bother contribute to. But it’s not all immigrants who do this, genuine asylum-seekers I can deal with… but ‘spongers’ I cannot. Whether they are English or foreign, on a large scale or not – it’s something I feel strongly about. Maybe it’s a ‘bad moral’ that I’ve picked up from my oh-so-opinionated family, but even so – it’s something I think now. I’m free to change my views if something new comes around that I may agree with.
I admit that if my words did not come across like that, I will take full responsibility for that bit and I accept what Lucy said, but afterwards, what she said was hurtful and unnecessary: even though it was her opinion.

See, I think that people shoes be able to voice their opinions without the flames of their peers coming back at them with full force. She voiced her, and I have been so far unable to voice mine. But my point is, I really don’t think she’d care. And on Friday, when she spoke to me, I told her this and she said that we didn’t know each other at all then. I whole-heartedly agree. And it was with that that she thanked me for the friendship we’d had and then walked off. Annoyingly, she did what I had been planning to do. But seeing as she called it off, it’s on her head. So far, I have done nothing. I’m waiting for the right moment to do what I need to do.

I want to say something like: ‘I am not going to deny that this argument has changed things in our friendship, but I will say that I am ashamed to say how much this rift between us actually upset me. However, that aside, I am not going to apologise, for the reason that I don’t feel I have any reason to.
I don’t care what your views are, and I had hoped that if you didn’t agree with mine, you could ignore them. But you didn’t, and you decided to make a deal out of this. Now, after this letter has been read, I don’t really care what happens. I am writing this so at least you can hear my point of view properly, after I have had the time to figure what I want to say instead of saying things which may cause offence, as my words did on Wednesday.

But I am not angry, hurt or saddened by your views of me or even your political views. The reason why I didn’t talk to you on Thursday is because I didn’t want to forgive you, and it wasn’t for that; but in fact that you believe yourself to be the only one who is right in any circumstance, never taking blame for your own actions, taking advantage of my support of you and with nothing in return for me.
I understand that you feel that you should have a life outside our friendship; really, I do. Even so, you never had the time for me and you’d only call me if you wanted something – whether that be a physical something or some emotional support.
An event which sticks in my mind was when you and Alex had argued over you going to Greg’s house for that sleepover. You called me up, obviously distraught, and I tried to my best ability to comfort you. After that, there was nothing.
There have been times when I’ve felt low, really low, and you didn’t notice I was sinking, let alone even try to help me. But I didn’t even confront you with what I felt because I believe that you deserve your own time, and that I disturb you from what you are doing with whoever it may be keeping you company – and that you would care even if I were to tell you anything that was on my mind.
I figure, if I couldn’t even talk to you about such simple things, our friendship mustn’t be so strong afterall.

Yet, back to your letter: I whole-heartedly agree that I am a snob, and that I am elitist, maybe, and I accept that you are allowed to have your opinion of me as I do of you, and actually, I’m sorry that I do not meet the requirements to be ‘a good person’ to you, nevertheless, I will not change my above views just to be your friend.
Saying that, if we were to go back to the kind of friendship that we had before the argument, that would not be acceptable to me.
I’ve felt for a long time that our friendship has been strained because of our differing attitudes and that came to a head in September, and you seemed to forgive, forget… I did not.
I hadn’t mentioned it before because I didn’t want to stir things up again and, ultimately, your friendship to me was one of the most important things I had, even though it was strained and even though it often made me unhappy.
But I don’t suppose you ever gave it another thought, saying I was ‘selfish’. I agree with that, I have my faults, but it hurt even so.

I’m saddened that you cannot even try to accept my opinions whether you agree with them or not. Like I said, you believed yourself to be right on Wednesday, not accepting anything that I said (whether I put it in the correct wording or not is a different matter which I have already explained) and your whole attitude said that I was wrong and could never be right.
In any debate, you have used the same method against me if we had contradicting notions.
I just know that I could disregard this for so long: you can only ignore what’s behind a face for so long. And now things are coming out in the open, I’ll tell you what I think – not that you will care either way. See Lucy, I know you better than you think you know me. I know that you’re sitting there thinking that I’m still wrong, and that you’re right, that I’m self pitying and just as selfish as I’ve always been. If not, then I take it back, but judging by what you were like with me when we spoke Thursday; eyebrows raised, body stance leaned over to one side and a sardonic frown on your face when I spoke…

Either way though, I saw this row coming, although I didn’t know it would come to the surface over something so petty as politics – and I’m glad that it happened. Because now I truly know what kind of friends I have. And it’s so sad because I didn’t want to cause any estrangements between any of our friends by us bickering and thus cause more stress on them. But because I left it, I assume that you filled them in on your side of the story and I was ignored. It just goes to show how quickly people who supposedly care for me, will dump me after such a trivial matter as this political thing and take sides that I didn’t want them to. Not that I am aggrieved that they chose you, because I had expected it, really, but I didn’t want them to take sides because they had no reason to – this is our mess which is something that only the two of us can sort out.’
I’d also explain about my ‘scum’ thing, but I still think she’d feel the same. I just want her to realise that we have differing views and that I accept hers, whycan’t she accept mine, even though neither of us agree with the other.

But even now, I don’t think I’ve explained everything I need to properly, and I guess I should think first before I post this, but I’m tired of this and I don’t want to think about it anymore. If Lucy wants to talk, then fair enough. But until then, I’m on my own, I guess.

4 Comments:

Blogger ReddPhoenix said...

I don't know... I haven't explained it incredibly well. And no, I don't think I am a complete victim here, but I'm not totally at fault, whatever people say. It takes two... it takes two...

Gnat

10:44 PM  
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