We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.

Mood okay
Wearing steve jacket, Levi jeans, Adidas tee and mongy socks
Eating/Drinking milk
Hearing James Blunt - Out of my mind
Dreamt about Amy and Ellie became best mates. Meh.
Currently reading Veronika decides to die - Paulo Coelho, Writing on the water - Jane Slavin
Present MSN name [catharsis]
Talking to le Beak, Kaling
Last text from Julian
Word of the Day wait

I spent Friday and Saturday at church - starving and wasting away to nothing. Well, no... well the first bit's true anyway.There's not a lot to tell about Friday and Saturday. We ate. Then starved.
Jolene pissed Bone and me off. And basically screwed up the whole Fru thingy as well - just cos Jolene is... a bitch.
I spent of lot of time either chatting to Bo' or being pissed off or playing my bass or on MSN.I spoke to Amy on MSN. Lemon asked me later on, on MSN why I was talking to Amy. I told her that Amy and I were going out on Sunday. I realised how it sounded and quickly added, 'Not like that!' Lemon says, 'Oh,' dead disppointed and looking really downcast.

I was quite worried.

Not a lot else happened. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean and afterward I started walking around all camp.
Then we went to bed after a bit. The gals slept in the Spencer Room amongst the ants. I lay in the dark listening to Joshua Radin on my mp3 player, very uncomfortable and kinda hungry. Nonetheless, I awoke in the morning, slipped out of the room, went to the loos to make sure that my hair wasn't doing anything too bad. It wasn't really, but I was deathly pale and felt a bit shitty - which usually means I slept badly.

Ellie was excited all throughout the famine because of her new contacts. I'm glad they make her happy, I guess...

And what else was there? I spent most of the morning thinking about toast. And then we finally got to eat after a load more intensely boring things that the leaders made us do.
Ate pizza. Ate 7 slices, plus 5 slices of bread and loads of crisps and other random-really-bad-for-you-shit. Nearly matched Jamie, food-for-food. Meh.

Then I cycled home. I got my dad to take my stuff home in the car while I cycled. I had cycled up from my house with most of my stuff and decided I didn't want to cycle all the way up hill (on Pastures Hill) so went the park way, got to the bottom of Carlyle Avenue and realised my mistake. I then had to go right up Hillsway on my bikes and it's possibly the worst road in the the whole of Derby that I could have picked to cycle up - just because it's so steep!

Got in. Watched The Matrix: Reloaded and then went to town. Dunno now what I did, but I did something. Sunday. I was so sick of church by the point, I don't know why I went. Stupid cow.

I remember: I went into town, bought another comic and a skirt (actually I bought two, but no one's seen the other yet.)
I bought a top. I wandered about aimlessly.

Then it was Sunday. I went out with Amy, first thought it was a bit weird, but then I started to relax and it was all good. My ma was a bit twatty about the film we were going to see, so we changed the film.
It was all cool until about halfway through the film I got a minor IBS attack and went to the loo to wait for it to go.
I believe I'd only gone for a couple of minutes and when I got back Amy wasn't there.
I looked wildy around. But no Amy. She eventually came back and we both were relieved. After the film we laughed about it and everything was fine. But what sort of idiot did she think I was - just wandering out for no apparent reason? ... meh.

After the films we got food and then walked home. She came back to my house and I showed her random crap. She commented on my J20. I lent her my steve CD. We got a call from her rather avid sounding mum and so then she left.

And then it came Monday: back to school. The week before was crap except for English lessons which I enjoyed a lot. Loved just chatting with Bear, Herry and Zippy. Loved it.
But now things are a bit rubbish. Even English is not all that fab now that the whole group seem to have cooled off a bit.
I don't know why that is, really. I know why Polly is suddenly depressed (I know that she's not with Pegg anymore, but that was her choice, I guess...) - but I dunno really why she couldn't just tell him to give her a bit of space for a bit. (Either way, it's nothing to do with me, so I'll shut up.) And I don't know why Herry is suddenly distant. Zippy and I are okay though. Thank God.

The only good thing about this week so far was seeing Ellie on Monday at crappy-youthy and also Curly-Simon who is being lovely atm and has offered to get me a MuteMath CD and get it signed for me when he sees them in July or whenever it is that he sees them.
And the other good thing was finally doing the dreaded talk with Cherry yesterday. It was fine. We were chatting at dinner and then again after school in the park near her home. We chatted for ages about loads of stuff. Felt like old times, even though so much is so different now.
But I don't regret any of it happening now. In an odd way, it was possibly a good thing in disguise. The kind of disguise that you don't actually realise is actually one until it's all over...

We talked about Vamp getting back with Dee. We both think she's stupid for doing so. I think she's delusional, cos he's a real jerk and she's just... weird now.
I think everything that's happened with him was a total mistake, and I'm not sure she's come through the right way from the experiences. But it's not my place to say all that. Cherry told her and Vamp was in a foul mood all day since.

And today? Some of that was today. Today Herry read my e-mail and must've had my fears confirmed in her mind, that I am actually just weird and creepy or whatnot. Either way, she can think what she likes...
Also today, I made a bit of a fool of myself. And not a lot else happened.

I walked home today after school and since I have lost my keys again, I couldn't get in. I rang the bell. No one in. So I sat down and read my Jane Slavin book. It's good in an odd kinda way. It's very passionate. It's about obsessional love and hate and romance and whatnot. It's not a pleasant read, because it's so honest and raw and a little creepy. It makes me feel a bit on edge and definitely depressed - but it's good.

Something I don't like about it is that it only refers to sex as 'fucking'. That demeans sex a little, but there we go. I have lost a bit of faith in sex anyway.
I mean, I used to think of it as something in the very distant future, something far away, something I don't have to think about yet.
But that's me being naive. Sex is closer than I thought. It doesn't seem to have any meaning though, the bulk of it seems to be 'the act' and nothing else.
I knew it'd happen eventually, but this one crept up on me. After the first one I was shocked and felt odd about it - and then after, I'm not surprised anymore. Crisis over. But in only about a fortnight things have changed very rapidly. It shouldn't make a difference if sex is involved or not - but it doesn't seem to change things. ot with everyone, just with... probably just the one person. But still. I don't respect that choice. I have respected others, but in the first case I found out about - no.

Just, just no.