Neither was the monkey (contd.) Part 2.

Mood I don't know anymore. I thought I was okay. But no...
Wearing school uniform
Eating/Drinking new chewing gum. No idea of flavour. Just minty.
Hearing Olive - You're not alone
Dreamt about something quite disturbing. Y'know when you have sunburn, you kinda feel tempted to peel your skin off so it doesn't look so bad and so you don't have annoying pits of skin everywhere? Well, I had this bit of skin under my chin (kinda to the left a little though) and peeled it, thus revealing bone. The bone felt horrible and in my dream I was so scared, cos bits of skin were peeling all over the place, revealing bone. No idea what it meant though.
Currently reading Scar Tissue - Anthony Kiedis (once again. Adore it.), The Beach - Alex Garland (still. Oh, I love it so.)
Present MSN name I wish they would only take me as I am.
Talking to Catdog, Bone (hehe, that's quite funny actually), Ed, Jamie
Last text from Bone
Word of the Day monkey (part two)

I had two more exams today: both for French. I don't want to talk about them.

Had sports leadership today. I was crap. I don't want to talk about it.

Saw Gam-Say today. He was sweet to me, pretty much saying what he said before: that he'd be there for me, etc. Thanks Sam. It meant a lot.

I don't know. I spent some good time with le Beak today, but right now, it's like that went weird too. I feel kinda empty, deflated... I don't mean it to happen. It's not Beak's fault. It's just how I feel.

I just feel like I don't fit anywhere. I don't fit with my old crowd who were chucking bits of food at me today, cos that's like, so hilarious. I have already made up my mind I don't need them. I don't need people like them. I'm sorry it all ended so badly, but I don't want to be disrespected anymore. Lucy says that everyone should be equal, but she's not treating me like I'm equal to everyone else. Even when we were mates... if I don't agree with her, then I'm less than her. Y'see?

There's a lot I could say about it, but I don't want to be insulting people now. I kinda just want to move on; after I'm done...

Jodie and Sarah have both said to be that they're neutral (bear in mind, so are le Beak and Sam, but they still actually talk to me and stuff) but they don't even grant me any time. They don't hang round with me, they don't really talk to me... I mean, I'm not desperate for human contact or company, I'm fine by myself, but I figure that they took sides. I don't see why there need to be 'sides' in all this anyway. Why can't it be like Lucy and I are two completely different people (which we are, but you understand me?) Like we're not in the same circles... and then just spend so much time with each of us? But no. I'm not worth it, I suppose. And in a way, what they're doing may be worse than what Lucy herself did...

But, about Sal and le Beak... yesterday we went into one of the c13 practice rooms. And I really told them about everything: school, 'friends', home, my family, God, myself... and all these things which I've kept in for a long time. I'd been waiting a while for Lucy to ask me what was wrong so maybe I could tell her. But I never can, cos she never asked me what was wrong, and the one time I remember her doing so, I felt that I couldn't really tell her. Afterall, what she said in September I hadn't got over. And I'm still not over it. Being told that you are 'selfish' (amongst other things) by your best mate (Ellie's my real best mate, but Lucy was my best mate at school...) is so hurtful. But to be told it when all you wanted was to spend some time with them...? No. I wasn't asking her to give anything up. I had told her that I felt that the friendship was dwindling and I was putting a lot in, not getting much back out... etc. She just said, 'I had time to think about what you said on Friday, and I just think that -- you were being really selfish.'

I remember I was on the phone to her, the words hung in the air and even though she wasn't in the room with me, everything just went cold. I didn't think it was unreasonable. I really didn't, and I still don't. But she didn't understand. She phoned me at about 7pm on Sunday 12th of September 2004. Two days before my birthday. Monday was awful. Tuesday we were v. delicately friends. But I hadn't forgiven nor forgotten, and just because she was able to spet it away just like that, it wasn't so easy for me. And I'm not trying to use it against her now, I'm just trying to explain that why I dislike her right now is a different thing to why she hates me, and my reason is nothing new. Like I said. I saw it coming.

There's more I wanted to say earlier, but I dunno now. Oh well.

So, again, Sal and Becky... they're gonna take me to Life on Saturday nights, they seem to really want to help me. I'm so thankful that there are people like them in the world. Thank you, God.

Also, le Beak think I'm really insecure. Oh. Am I?

Oh yeah. Was talking to Amy today. I think she's so lovely. She's really sweet and she kinda just accepts me for who I am.
For example, we were just having a light conversation about hair when we were walking home and we wre just having a joke about my mad hair, saying that everyone should just have one day when they come to school with 'Natalie-hair'. It was great, she's one of the only people who hasn't demanded that I ought to get some straightening-jaws on my 'mane'/'small animal that lives on my head'.

Nah, I like her. She's a good laugh. I'm just glad that she's not... grey... anymore. She's been quite down recently and she didn't look so good.

Well, anyway. I've been typing this for about an hour now. If there's anything else I need to say, I'll be sure to add it.

ETA: Yes there is a something. On the Lucy thing... she must've been looking for an argument with me. Vamp said to me that Lucy said once, 'I can't wait to have another political debate with Nat. She's Tory...' Oh so nice. Whatever.