Said the dead horse, "Please, please, stop beating me!"

Wearing a new top thing, my ripped Levis and some nice black trainer socks
Eating/Drinking nowt. My mouth hurts.
Hearing The Prime Movers - Strong As I Am
Dreamt about nothing last night, though I have been plagued by horrible dreams lately. There was one where iI got into an argument about Blair with my grandfolks and had a screaming match at them and it was really malicious and my grandpa ended up dying. My temper scares me. :(
There was another one were there was a character that was (but wasn't) me and a dude and it turned out after many adventures in this surreal world with this sheep with an earring that this guy killed my sister and I woke up all sad because it was one of those dreams that feel very, very real. I wrote about it afterwards, cos I want to remember it, even if it was horrible.
Currently reading a book that lovely Mrs-Jennifer-Verity's-Mum lent me.
Present MSN name All you have to know about men & women: women are crazy, men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Talking to Fishington-Smythe
Last text from Leggy (surprisingly)
Word of the Day obfuscate (curtasy of F-S)

Things are not good right now – all over the place. And despite the fact that I can’t be bothered to write this, I’m going to feel bad about it until I do.
And also all this stuff is going off right now, I actually feel pretty distant from it, like I can actually keep my head about water for once, which I take as a good thing. But… even so, a lot of things have gone wrong and dreams have been crushed to pieces and the only thing I feel is – heavy.

I went to a gig the other night. Aqualung were playing at the Carling Academy, and a guy who I met through my escapades trying to get onto the Guillemots forum who seemed pretty decent – but who I guess I always felt was a little arrogant and this was pretty evident through the fact that he rarely ever asks me about me or anything like that, which was sad… we met up and it was so incredibly awkward. Worse than with anyone else who I’ve ever me or spoken with. We were in the queue – him, me, Calum (his best mate) and Fishy from fencing and Calum and I were the only ones really talking and I was the only one trying. Not that I blame Fishy for being quiet, of course… Calum was nice, though.
Anyway, he spent most of his time being weird or talking to Calum and it was just dreadful. Then, when we spoke for the first time since, he asked me if I still liked him or something, but ignored all my questions after that because they are irrelevant to his life, I guess.
Anyway, I get the feeling that we’re going to fade out from here. Meeting him was a bad idea.
I just about fainted at the gig too and had to wander off to the bar to get some water or I would have collapsed, methinks, cos the room was swaying a lot and I thought I was going to fall. Music was good, though. Bit miffed that I got very little change back from a fiver for my bottle of water. Was also miffed that there was no obvious place for ladies to pee, so I figured we'd probably have to use the floor or something. It wasn't until we were about to leave that I saw the ladies' loos. Meh on a stick.

Before that, I went over to Rhebo’s and we had many-a fabulous conversation even if we did (and still do) bicker like sisters about things. Mainly like her being a big lesbian. But I suppose that cannot be helped. Heehee.
We went to Blockbuster in the evening and we got some films out. As it turns out, Rhebo has seen exactly seven movies and they’ve all been ones we’ve watched together. There was this amusing moment in Blockbuster where I was staring at this rack of DVD films and for some reason they just looked really odd to me but I couldn’t put my finger on why (I late realised I wouldn’t want to anyway. I didn’t even want to know where they’d been, being the snob that I am.) Then Rhebes asked me why I was staring at the films and I didn’t know why she asked me that. Then I looked more closely at the DVDs and then it occurred to me that I was staring at the porn rack with such titles as ‘Mature Housewives IV’ and so I got all wide-eyed flustered and walked off very fast which is odd, because I’m not that innocent.
…That came out wrong.

I couldn’t persuade Rhebes to take out the Housewives movie so we ended up with the brilliant ‘The Usual Suspects’ and her appalling choice: ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ which is a dire movie that only she appears to like.
Enough said about that. I miss her. I feel like I always miss her, even when I’m actually with her. I guess I took her for granted before and I feel awful for all the times I upset her.
On the other hand, we both came to the conclusion that there’s been a lot of sexual tension between us for years and we ought to just have sex and get it over and done with. (Now, I wonder who’s going to think I’m for real on that.)

As for last night – I can’t talk about what’s going on because the one thing this is is not confidential because it’s so open, which I have to admit is sorta the point and that’s why I do it, but on the other hand, it means I have to be careful about what I do write here. But there was the commotion of late with one of my best friends and involves a tight knit of people which is awkward. In all honesty, we probably oughtn’t to know, but I’m glad that I can be there for this friend because she too means a lot to me. I’d like to talk about it, because I’m sick of omitting things in this, but the whole point is I can’t, and I wouldn’t do that to her anyway.

Clem’s in China, so that’s all moot too.
My job is shit. I poured shandy down one of my punter’s backs the other night and it was dreadful and I had to grovel and tell her that I wasn’t able to pay for her dry cleaning, simply because I cannot afford to do so. I was pissed off because it actually wasn’t my fault as I had been shoulder barged by another busy waitress and the drink sloshed everywhere when I was putting down a white wine (medium dry) for this woman. It was god-awful.
I also found out my partner has been sneaking tips and then lying to me about them, so I feel somewhat betrayed seeing as I always let him go early and I look after the Mercedes table because he hates it and it’s the much bigger table…
There’s no point talking about work, although I may get to work the May Ball for school which could be interesting.

And since I’m rushing now, because I’ve lost the mood, I had this awful issue with the Holden where basically I broke down in my review the other week with Ms Seago in the lower common room and had to escape to the top common room’s loos where she allowed me to hide to sort myself out. She also sat me down a short while before she let me do that to tell me that I wasn’t a failure and made me repeat it after her, but she lied, and we both knew it.
She made me see the Holden after that and it was dire because I started off again and really couldn’t stop. I’d come out of English Lit and I said I’d only be half an hour although it ended up nearly the full two hours so that was crap even though I wanted to miss the lesson, so I had left 10 minutes early for no reason other than that.
Anyway, after a billion glasses of water that Mrs Holden kept torturing me with by making me drink to the point where I was desperate for the toilet. She seemed really nice and considerate, although on hindsight, what she had actually told me what more or less that I am not smart enough to fulfil my dreams so I ought to tone them down a bit and look for a degree that requires lower grades… which is hurtful, I think.
From then on (because the Holden left me for about ten minutes to speak to Greenhalgh), Greeny has been quite pleasant to me. I even laughed at something with him the other day. It was slightly forced, but I survived the ordeal… so did he, unfortunately. Nah, we’re getting on okay now we’ve silently worked through our differences even though I figure we both still hate each other.

I had parents’ evening the other night and I spent most of it sulking, mainly because I had to start it off speaking to my English teachers which wasn’t the plan and House was quite nice, so I will not call her Bungalow anymore and she seemed really sympathetic when Greeny was being a dick. He basically said there was nothing special about me and I was a mediocre student. I was so hurt. I try to hard in English. I’m so different from how I was at GCSE and no one appreciates it.

My piechology teachers were ‘blah’ about me. Banga actually got her best brain cells out for a run that day and gave me some useful advice while The Cunning Ham himself was just lovely (in his little suit, bless) and said I was a great girl (and that my folks had produced some really nice girls, which was odd, but okay) and then Chemistry… oh, Chemistry.
I saw Hilly and Dilly and they were both really, really decent and they said lots of lovely stuff before Dilly said, ‘Oh, I just love her to bits!’ where I may or may not have blushed wildly and giggled stupidly while my evil excuse of a mother replied with, ‘Well, I think it’s mutual,’ and Dilly smiled and winked at me while Hilly stared down at the table looking all sad and left out while I inwardly spazzed with embarrassment.
I love Dilly.

As for now, I can smell burnt hair and it’s completely disgusting. I mentioned it to Fishy and she asked me if it smelt like burning bones. I said I’d never smelled burning bones and she told me that she had to burn some for Blodge GCSE. The only thing I can make of that is that her Blodge teacher had a body to dispose of that she thought she could get away with under the name of curriculum. *tut*

There's been other stuff too, like Chemistry courseworks and stuff - one I did badly on and another I did really well on. Meh. We'll see how it goes.