.4 traP (.dtnoc) yeknom eht saw rehtieN

Mood okay. But not.
Wearing school uniform
Eating/Drinking Fruit Pastilles. Oh, how I love them. Buy me Fruit Pastilles! Oh no, last one! So, now toast and milk. Evening breakfast - lavley. :D Oh, and now bronchael drops...
Hearing Vannessa Mae - Contradanza
Dreamt about erm... cannae remember.
Currently reading The Beach - Alex Garland (I never want to give this boo back, like, ever); Fire & Water - Malcolm Rose (Yeah, yeah...)
Present MSN name Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.
Talking to Ed, Matt, Kaling, le Beak, Farrah & Amy
Last text from le Beak
Word of the Day monkey (part four)

Okay, so. Let's work backwards, Memento-esque.

Just had an argument with my ma. She said that Daniel has to come to Kent on holiday with us because she and Danielle would like him to. I said no.
So, apparantly I'm selfish. Y'know, I don't think that hurts anymore. I mean - everyone reckons I'm selfish, so whatever. I'll just carry on the way I am because it doesn't matter what I actually think or not...
Anyway, she argues that Daniel has to come because otherwise Danielle will be miserable. She. Fucking. Won't.
Surely the girl can live a few days without that... bastard?
I'm sorry, but I actually really hate him.
I look forward to this holiday, like, all year. And last year I put up with it. I really did and I didn't enjoy the holiday, but I didn't say very many words against it, but now? No, I'm not going to have the second year running as a crappy one.
Daniel and I already agreed he was't going to come. Why have the rules changed? Why don't my parents want to understand this whole thing? They refuse to see it from my point of view. Oh, and it's not just this, it's with everything.

I got in only to find that my mum was fuming angry that I'd stayed out for so long and not told her. I thought I had actually told her I was staying back from school tonight, but apparently not.
I was talking with Amy after Sports Leadership outside on Fresco Drive and we were talking for ages. I didn't even realise how long we were talking for. Y'know, it was pretty close to 2 hours, methinks.
Plus, I didn't realise it was actually close to 6pm, so I tried to run home, but couldn't in my heels. So I took off my shoes and ran all the way down Heatherton Village in my socks. Facking hurt.

Anyway, Amy is so lovely. Plus, she's really easy to talk to. I was talking about the whole deal with Fru, CCC, Bone... her... me... God and youthy. All sorts. I was a bit worried that I'd really put my foot in it several times that I'd basically said some stuff. And... yeah.
And now CCC's making the moves on Fru (more on this later) and Bone's just miserable about everything. She can't really talk to Fru about it and she feels betrayed by CCC, and then, she's still pretty much scared of Amy, and I'm left somewhere in the middle of this, which I don't so much mind, but I'd just like Amy and Bone to be happy.
Surely Fru'll be happy that there are at least three girls out there who really like him. Well, two, and then a fake-ass-traitor-bitch. Yes, CCC, That's you.
Amy, be happy. And I hope your chips weren't too mongy when you got to them. ;)
Bone; cheer up. You can do better than Creamy-Coloured-Coat.

I don't want to be angry at CCC, but, no... I am.

Anyway. After Sports Leadership I was talking to Amy. Actually, throughout, I was really worried I'd upset her amazingly about the whole Jamie thingy... but she was still talking to be after, so it was fine.

I hate Sports Leadership, actually. Kids are evil things.

Before that... I've had exams. Exams. Exams. I have done kinda crap.

Okay, so skipping back a few days: I was wearing Nay's bowler hat in formy, just randomly, and was walking around.
I had to walk past Lucy and the gals to get to my seat. And they laugh (not in a nasty way) and Lucy just grabs me and hugs me. She tells me that she pretty much doesn't want to be angry at me anymore and she wants to talk after the exams. She says that this'll mean that we don't have to worry about it when we should be revising.
I dunno, I was still angry, even after that - but it's kinda died down now. I'm not looking forward to the chat though. It could mean nothing for me, or it could mean everything for me. I just don't know.

Anyway, another week goes by. Another week where so much seems to happen, but summerise it in a few letters... and it's nothing. So it's just that one more block of time, one more length of time that means nothing, and y'know, I'm sick of that. I want something to happen, I'm so bored of all this... this... sameness.

So yesterday and Sunday, and whenever I can - I talk to people at church or wherever. I've talked to Gordon, Simon, Elaine, Kate, Rob & Fiona about all these spiritual things which have been bothering me.

God doesn't talk to me. I pray, and pray, and pray, but nada. I want God to tell me what to do about things in my life, how can I help people, how can I help myself, how can I heal, if I can't feel God?

For example; I want to get baptised. I was thinking about it for a while, and one day I just decided, yes; I do. And then Simon said a few weeks ago that there's going to be one in a few weeks. Fate?
So I figure it's got a be a sign. I go to meetings about it, I talk about it, I pray about it. And from Sunday, what did I get? Oh, Rev Worrall says I can't do it. It's a Methodist rule that says I can't, cos I've already been christened.
Surely Ian Worrall must know that's crap?

I mean, my parents made that decision for me to be brought up as a Christian. So now, when it's my decision to do something for myself, I can't!?

I talked to Elaine and Katie last night and they were really helpful, or rather, Elaine was. Katie was was nice, but basically echoed what Elaine said to me.

It's seems that everyone is on my side about this, it's us vs. Ian.

I want to be able to get in someone else to baptise me with Bone, who is going to be dunked, and then I will be happy. I mean, even though Terry Perry Berry will be there, as well as the old dudes and the people I don't like; they're still my church family and I want to be dunked there. I don't want to be dunked somewhere else, and I don't want so lameo-Methodist blessing instead. I will be baptised. And I'm going to be baptised there.

I was so upset on Sunday and ended up bursting into tears in front on Fiona who I fount in the foyer at chruch at the beginning of the evening service after the meeting with Ian. I felt that if God said yes to this, that means I could feel him and I might have a chance at understading what this is all about. But no. If it didn't happen, apparently that's God's way of saying no, it wasn't him even suggesting it.

Fiona told me that God loves me and I'm very special. And I didn't even laugh. That was how upset I was.